Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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