Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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