i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
