sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
