First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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