Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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