So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
