sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
