Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
