i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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