All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
