Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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