dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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