You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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