every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
