And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
