omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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