I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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