it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
