that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
