He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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