I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
