you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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