I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
