scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I checked into jail on foursquare
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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