I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
