My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
