Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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