I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
