Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
