we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
