remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
