I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
