Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
