Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
