can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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