Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize