hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
