I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
