Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
