Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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