Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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