You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
