I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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