What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
