Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
