end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
