shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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