Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
