I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
