i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
