found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize