the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
