3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
