i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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