On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
