@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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