I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize