Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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