Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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