Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
