I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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