I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
