Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
