I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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