I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
