Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
