so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
