there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
