I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
