these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I looked at my own cervix.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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