It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
